Momma says...

I still like to chase butterflies
I still like the old woman and her hut on the moon
I still like to jump around when I am happy
I still fall in love with every person who makes me happy
I still like riddles, long, short weird riddles
I still dream about the stars and about reaching them
I still like when Jerry fools Tom
I still get scared when I am alone
I still think every christmas Santa comes doen and distributes gifts to little children
I still like to make bubbles
I still think everyone who calls you a friend, is your friend
I still like painting a house a sun and birds
I still like nice pink candyfloss
I still like to play... anything
I still like to dance in the first rain...

Momma says I need to grow up.

Tasveerein...

Kabhi kabhi kuch tasveerein aapke saath rehte rehte badi ho jati hai. Agar vo tasveer, tasveer na hokar ek aisa vyakti hota jiske saath aap aaj bhi baithkar har shaam chai peete hain, toh who shaayad abhi bhi utni hi hoti. Phir ek vaqt aata hai, ki who tasveer itni badi ho jaati hai, ki ghar mein har bulaye- binbulaaye mehmaan ki nazar sabse pehle ussi par padti hai. Aap chaahe ya na chaahe who pooch hi lete hai… yeh kya hai? kya haal banaa kar rakha hai?

Maine bhi ek aisi hi tasveer apne ghar ke drawing room ke beecho beech sajaa kar rakhi thi. Main keh sakti hoon, ki yeh mere zindagi ki sabse sunder, sabse adbhoot tasveer rahi hai. Best days of my life.Par ab sochti hoon ki, issey main ek sandook mein sambhalkar rakh doon. Uss din, maine apne sandook mein uss tasveer ko daalne ki koshish ki. Par woh uss sandook mein jaa hi na paayi, jaise shaayad main tumhaari zindagi mein kabhi sama hi naa payi…

Pata hi nahi ki who tasveer utni badi ho gayi, yaa mera sandook chota...

- From my play 'Mrignaini', August 2008

The astrologer

I went to an astrologer and he said my life will change after May. May came and went. Life remained as it is. So I went to him again and he said my stars will change after August for sure. August is half gone. Life is still the same. Absolutely the same! But my stars have changed now. They are telling me that I should change the astrologer.

Memory lane

Walking through a road once traveled was an experience I can't forget. I saw a younger me saving up money for a week to watch a film, i saw a younger me seeing the right column of a menu card and deciding what to order for lunch. I saw a younger me with dreams in her eyes. Dreams to make it big, dreams to conquer the world.
Dreams... they give you strength.. strength to fly. Dreams ignite passion. But sometimes passion makes you vulnerable. Because in passion everything matters. Every little thing, every little detail matters.

I saw the roads I had traveled and I have forgotten now. I saw the people I had met who are long lost. I saw the strangers who had helped me when I was lost. I saw the steps i took to reach where I am today. It was humbling. Simply humbling. I wish I could dream again. I want to fly again.

That wobbly thing...

I saw a body. A mass or maybe the absence of mass

Fluid, unstable, sensitive

It was like a wobbly thing

When the wind blew. It would wobble with it. It would move and shift and displace

It was a lousy body, that looked as a man who was drunk

But then my hand touched the surface, I thought it would wobble again

Or atleast shift a bit

But instead, it parted

To accommodate my hand

To absorb me

I was drowning

I was melting

I was dissolving

I was disintegrating

Only to integrate into an endless me...

Kal raat..

Kal raat ko karvat badalti rahi. Par neend nahi aayi. Neend aa jaati toh shaayad sab kuch theek ho jaata. Swapn sa. Par zindagi ki sacchai ki thand lagti rahi, aur uss thand mein theethoorte hue main neend ka swapn dekti rahi.

Waqt...

Uss din tumhaara phone aaya tha
Kai dino ke baad

Kai sawaal
Ek ke peeche ek,
Apne turn ke liye,
Ek lambi kataar mein ghanton khade rehte.

Kaise ho? Kya kar rahe ho?
Kya sardi hain wahaan?
Kya wahan bhi tumhaari naak par pasina rehta hain?
Kya aaj tumhaare aasmaan ka chand utna hi sunder hain jitna mere aasman ka?
Meri yaad aati hain…? Vagera Vagera.

Baaton ka silsila thamta hi nahi tha…

Tum mere har shabd ko jaante the,
Har shabd ke arth ko pehchaante the,
Aur kabhi kabhi jo shabdon mein nahi kehti
Us baat ko bhi tum jaan lete the.

Kitna kuch kehna tha
Kitna kuch sunna tha
Saare shabdon ko jodkar bhi
Hamaari baatein adhoori reh jaati

Aur aaj … Phir phone pe baat hui
Kai dinon ke baad

Sawaal aaj bhi kai saare the.
Kuch wohi purane, kuch naye se
Kuch kehna the,
Kuch sunna tha.

Par phir ek shor mein tumhaari awaaz
dhoondhli si padti chali gayi
Shaayad bheed apna kaam kar rahi thi
Aur waqt apna...

Hatred hurts...

Casting of your life..

I was talking to a friend of mine who told me that whatever you do, you should never go wrong when you cast yourself in your own life.

Everyone's trying to cast themselves in a role in their life. Someone is the cool one, someone the cute one, someone is matured one, the funny one, talented one, alternative, straightforward, arty, delicate,strong,sexy,tomboy,carefree, pseudo-intellectual and the list goes on. We dress accordingly, behave accordingly.

I wonder what the world would be without these archetypes. Less interesting... Maybe. More honest... Maybe..

Yeh hai uss paudhe ke naam...

Maine apne aangan mein ek chota sa paudha lagaaya tha. Harroz usey main thoda thoda badhta dekhti. Acha lagta hain jab aapke khudke haathon se boya hua ek chota sa beej dheere ek sunder se paudhe ka roop lene lagta hain. Phir naye patte aate hain, choti choti kaliyaan aur phir rangbirangi phool. Saara aangan un phoolon ki khusboo main mehekta rehta. Kal raat ko zor se baarish hui thi. Subah dekha toh mera woh pauda bah gaya tha. Usne baarish se jhoonjhne ki koshish zaroor ki hogi.. Shaayad usne mujhe yaad bhi kiya hoga aur shaayad mujhe bulaane ki bhi koshish ki hogi.
Kal raat ki zordar baarish mein main ussey sun nahi paayi. Agar main ussey sun paati bhi toh bhi kya main us paudhe ko bacha sakti thi? Shaayad nahi.. Shaayad woh sirf kuch hi dino ke liye meri zindagi ko mehakane aaya tha.

Said a river...

I will go and meet the sea one day
The sea...
Vast
Open
Deep
Pure

And when I meet him, I will ask him
Did you also wait for me, like I waited for him... all the time
I am scared he will say he never waited for me.
I am scared he will say he didn't even know I existed.

Maybe I wont need to ask him.
Maybe I will be so happy meeting him that nothing would matter,
No past, no future
Nothing will matter
Maybe I will find him waiting with open arms
Just waiting to embrace me...

And when I meet the sea one day
I will tell him about everything.
About the lands I traveled
About the people I met
About the stories I heard
About the sorrows I lived
About the nights, the long dark lonely nights
About the mornings, beautiful virgin mornings.

Or maybe when i meet the sea one day
I wont have to say a word.
Maybe he will know...everything.
And we will just silently embrace each other

Hone se na hone tak...

Ek chuha... Kuch kauve ussey chonch maar maarkar zinda khaa rahe hai...

About a fly...

Once upon a time, there was land far far away. It was a land like no other. It was a land full of magic called Hoolaland. And in Hoolaland anything was possible. The trees could sing, the animals could talk and the fishes could fly.

In this land of magic, lived a little housefly called Rooshi. Rooshi was a good fly. He would always listen to what his mother had to say. But Rooshi was sad. He had a secret wish, a wish that even momma fly did not know off. Rooshi wished he was a star, up above in the beautiful sky of Hoolaland. He would often stare at the twinkling stars from the window of her little house near the woods.

One night when Rooshi was going to bed, Momma fly told him a story of Flyosko, the first fly who discovered Hoolaland. Flyosko was a small housefly living in a city by the garbage dump. Flyosko had a dream. A dream about a place where there was ample food for everyone and no danger from humans. So one day Flyosko left in search of a land he did even know existed. After days of wandering, his wish was fulfilled as he finally discovered the magical land of Hoolaland.

“Momma if you wish for something do you surely get it?”, Rooshi asked his mother

So Momma fly said, “If you want something, you just wish for it really hard”

After she said that, Momma fly put Rooshi to sleep. But Rooshi was not sleepy today. He was thinking about Flyosko. Suddenly, Rooshi decided that if ever he wanted to be a star, like Flyosko he would also have to wander and search for the place where a star was born. He turned and saw Momma fly was fast asleep. He kissed her goodnight and left for the deep dark woods.

The deep dark woods of Hoolaland had a life of its own. Momma would often tell Rooshi about the dangers that lay in the deep dark woods, and that a fly should never go into the woods. But there was no looking back. The woods were the only place he could find out about the place where a star was born.

As he kept flying, the woods kept getting denser. Suddenly Rooshi heard someone laugh.

“Ehahahah EEhahahahah”

Rooshi got scared. From nowhere a witch on a broom appeared in front of him. She was really old and ugly. She asked, “ Rooshi, where are you going? The woods are not a safe place for little ones like you, especially after night falls my dear. I know where you are going; you want to go to the place where a star is born. Come with me, I will take you there”

“Oh really?” Rooshi jumped out of joy. But then he remembered what Momma fly used to say about witches. She would always say that one should never to trust witches.

“I will find my way. Thank you”

The witch laughed and said “If you can’t find it, just say my name aloud three times, and I will be there little one to help you. My name is Prialla. Ehahahaha”

“I will do that” said Rooshi, as he started flying ahead. He had always heard about the wicked witches but never seen one before. As he was flying, Rooshi could hear music. He identified it as the musical crickets that would sing in the night. The music of the crickets was very soothing as Rooshi merrily started going deeper and deeper into the woods.

“Tabadak, tabadak, tabadak"

Rooshi thought it was a horse and started looking around. He was not completely wrong. There came a beautiful white unicorn from behind the trees.

“Hey Mr Unicorn. My name is Rooshi. I live outside the woods. Uhh.. I want to be a star and was looking for the place where a star is born. I was wondering if you could direct me there.” said Rooshi.

The unicorn laughed aloud. He said, “ In this land of Hoolaland, there are creatures who have magical powers and there are creatures who don’t. So if you are born ordinary, you will remain so all your life”

“I will work really hard and learn how to be a star”,said Rooshi.

“Some things cannot be learnt. You need to be born with it. You are just wasting your time you kiddo” saying that the unicorn turned and galloped away.

Rooshi was quiet disheartened hearing that. But he was not to lose hope. He was very thirsty by now. He started looking around for water, but he could not find any. After a few minutes of flying, he could hear sound of gurgling water. He started flying frantically in that direction. Suddenly he came upon a stream of crystal clear water. In the moon’s gentle light, the stream looked as if it were a thousand silver ribbons floating away with the wind. Rooshi bend down to drink the water. The water was nice and sweet. He drank a few sips. Just then he heard a sound again

“ Yippeedippeedooo”

He looked and he saw a beautiful mermaid in front of him. She was looking right at him.

“Yippeedippeedoo I say”. Rooshi didn’t know what she was trying to say.

“Oh I am sorry. In our mermaid land that’s how we say hello. Yippeedippeedoo. I am Scarlett. You looked troubled and sad. Nobody should be sad. I like happy people. Is there anything that will make you happy?”

“Oh yes”, said Rooshi. Do you know where a star is born?”

“ Stars? Yes stars. They twinkle in the sky. Magnificent. I like stars. Stars make me happy. I like happy people. But I don’t know where a star is born. Sorry.”

“Ok” said Rooshi sadder then ever before.

“Anyway it was nice meeting you. I have to go. I have to swim across this stream that will lead me to a river that goes and joins the big wide sea. The thought of big wide sea makes me happy. I like to be happy. Everyone should be happy. Ciao. Hope you find your place soon.Yippeedippeedoo. ”

And the mermaid swam away. As Rooshi sat by the riverside, a tear fell in the water and created a few ripples. He rubbed his eyes and realized they were moist. Maybe the Unicorn was right. Magic doesn’t happen to everyone. You have to be born special. Maybe he was not special enough. He was just an ordinary housefly. He was not Flyosko. Maybe he should have

never dreamt of something so impossible.

He wished he had listened to his mother and not come into the deep dark woods. Here he was tired, hungry, without his mother and still an ordinary fly who did not know his way home. Suddenly his eyes started getting heavy.

Little did Rooshi know that when he was crying, there was a fairy called the night fairy, who was sitting on the moon and watching him. She was the kindest and the most beautiful fairy in Hoolaland. She came down to little Rooshi who was fast asleep by now. She reached out to the moon and pulled out some moonlight in her hand.

Rooshi opened his eyes. It was still night and he was still by the riverside. He saw a beautiful fairy standing in front of him. Something was different. He was glowing brightly like fire in the darkness. But he was not up above the sky. Was he a star? He was really confused.

The fairy saw his confusion and said, “You are not a star”

“ Oh I am not? But I am glowing?!”

So the fairy said, “You are not a star. But you are not an ordinary fly anymore. You don’t have to be born special. You just have to search till the time you find it. From today onwards, people will know you as a firefly. So everyday when the moon rises and the stars come out in the sky, you will also twinkle, not in the sky but down here close to the earth. You will always keep reminding little children that if you truly believe in magic, it really happens…”

MANASI RACHH

The world inside...

Sometimes we stop seeing people. You see them, you hear them but you don’t really listen to them. Why? Maybe because you are thinking whether you left the geyser on in before leaving, or that the maid will be coming in an hour and you need to rush home soon, or maybe you are plainly lazy. Sometimes people ask for help in their small subtle ways, but you are too lost in your own world to realize that they do. I,like anyone else, have been living in my cocoon since a long time now...thinking of nothing in particular, at least nothing really that important or urgent. Today when I was talking to a dear friend, suddenly I happened to see her and I felt that in the past two hours that we were together, I hadn’t really noticed her at all. Not that I did not pay attention to what she was saying, but I had not given her my 100% either. Sometimes the world inside your head becomes more real then the world outside and that’s when we stop living in the moment.